...So that's how it starts !

...who's you ?

.... I am you... few weeks back, I tried to be there, but you didn't give me a chance !

...so now what you want?

...nothing, just nothing. I don't want anything, I just want you to accept me !

----

...So that's how it starts. The Fever. The Rage. The feeling of Powerlessness, that turns good men...cruel !

Batman v Superman 

I just love this quote. I don't know whether the movie will beat the Batman trilogy or not, but this quote has done the magic.

I have been meeting new people since last month or so.

I met a person in Human Resources today. Works in a Micro-finance firm. Helping in nature. 

I asked why do you help others, while leaving? "Because I know how it feels when there is no help available" , he said.

I had enough time to think over it.

Have I ever helped my own self?

Have I ever even let my own self to express fully, without any rules, regulations, taboos, dorms?

I am not sure. 

I am not sure, what if I have allowed me to express the fully who all would have accepted the show and who all not !

Are we not the ones to play by rules set by others?

Each time, I had told myself to be in the box for few hours, I had rejected me. I wasn't sure if that 'me' had placed a show or not, but I certainly rejected the possibility of it.

I have started to watch my deeper, dormented, suppressed, drowned self in past one or one and a half weeks. 

I am not enjoying it.

I am feeling full.

Letting the old me to express. Accepting him, his possibility, making me quite vulnerable, but I am accepting me.

Letting me to play the field. 

Am I changing ?

Not sure, but I think I could be. No-one from the circle left me so can't be sure. I still eat, sleep, work, write.

What has changed then ?

May be my limits. They broadened. My self. I am growing. Opening up to possibilities of what I could do, think, dream, be.

I don't want to die in Chaos.

Certainly not.

Are you open, the most possible version of you ? 

If not. Read the quote.

...So that's how it starts...!!!

----

Is money good ?

I get this question a lot.

It's like a world's common question. But the sad thing is that, it has answer. And it will work only for you. Not others.

All have asked, 

Is money good? 
Is power good?
Is having more good? 
Is having good at all?
Do we have to be good?

I call this a ERP problem. When we go for the Enterprise software, it makes the processes digitalize, doesn't matter process is good or bad for the function. 

Same is with these things.

You have it. If you can use your discernment, use it for good or bad, doesn't make much of the sense.

I have had few bucks, I spent them on weird technologies and startups.

My friend had money, he went to Malaysia for family trip. My old boss got some money, he bought a farm. My uncle got money selling a farm, he invested into stocks.

Who is doing good?

Can't say now. Wait and you'll read it here.

But what if Malaysia doesn't come out to be a great choice for family trip, or what if the stock market goes woohoo like 2008 !

Who is going to earn?

Does it make any sense? Who earns and who doesn't?

Well, only when someone was inspired and made a choice.

So, make money and spend on booze, or cruise or gals or shop, or buy a trip to Mars. None of these make sense, when it will be only yours and yours decision to do so.

Else, what would happen?

Well, I have a great deal of patience to wait and write your question in the list.

Don't blame the money, booze, gals, Malaysia, Stocks, Mars for turning out into loss or not. Take a call and play.

Because at the end, the one who will need the answers, is you. And believe me, when you can say this, 

"So what's the big deal? I did it !!"

It feels like heaven !!

Love you all ! 

To be or Not to be

Now I understand.

I am fucked up, stressed, tensed, flushed, in pain; not because I am compelled to be, but because I choose to be.

I am following James.

His writings, blogs, books, answers on Quora inspires me a lot. A big thanks to him.

I had a project presentation, I was preparing for it since Jan., and the committee took only four minutes, five at max maybe, to say, good work but door is at right side.

WTF just happened in those five minutes.

A perfect pitch, amazing bio, relevant work profile, feasible product and you people are showing me the fucking gate to leave.

I was broke. Crushed. Shattered in pieces. It was the male ego who was stopping the rivers. How can they do it? A total scope document. Tons of hours at nights to prepare this shit and in five minutes, BOOM !!??

I was feeling like the trees of Hiroshima, who had had got the first heat waves. In few minutes, the entire region flashing green, wiped away. They might have had seen their neighbors vaporising, their colleagues', if they had any, seeds blasting... Ping Ping Ping. Such a pain to see those things dying in front of us, which have had spent the most time in last few months.

I had deep attachments to that project. It was like my Brain's child. It's son. And got flushed like a dead gold fish in minutes.

I left, came to base, and without getting bothered to slack off the shoes even, crashed to bed and went to thought sleep.

Later in evening, the manager at the nearest cafe marked my feet long face and dared to ask me if I was not feeling well. My mind was begging to punch him in the face of that fucker to dare this action, but some how I had to post a sane behaviour and they serve the best tea in area, I just gathered up drenched muscles to nod Yes.

He might have observed my conditions and didn't ask a single thing till I was at counter, clearing the tab. Escorting me to the gates, he mumbled one tiny sentence, " Sir ! I hope to see you with some new friends next time ".

No one was with me. That fucker went crazy ? I was thinking on his greetings.

I had to cook. I ate. Was watching Justice League: Flashpoint Paradox and the damn brain bulg fused. That fucker was the genius. My today's Guru actually. He observed my rage, anger, frustration, sadness, grief. He told me to come with new friend next time, meant for these.

He pointed that I was not having a good company. These feelings are definitely not the friends what I would ever want if I could choose.

And writing this. I found Yes. This is it. I can actually choose who to friend and whom not to give a damn.

I can be sure and treat rage, anger etc, as guests. Not as stranger, nor as friends. Not as enemies, nor as demons. I want and will and can, treat them as guests. Maybe I don't like them, but what the hell, till the point comes to show them the fucking door, I can't break the sanity of guest gestures, neither I want to sound rude. Maybe one day I won't even bother if they would come, sit, fuck and go. Why would I? They're not getting me anything I like.

Anyway, so I found that, I can actually decode the status quo paradox like Flash did, for my issues by making them guests. I start making them friends, see if they're what I need to grow, if not they're guests. No more enemies.

Can you believe? No guilt, no rejections, no depression, no feeling of incompetent, no sense of being lost, confusion to be or not to be into these feelings.

Amazing person that manager is.

" You can make new friends, daily, or choose to do otherwise. But, having some good tea with new faces; sounds a nice idea to me "

What you say?

Love you all.

Good night.

People Connect

Yes they do.

They just need some reasons for it. At a cafe, bar, restaurant, community programs, fairs, work, meetings, movies. Everywhere.

I have been following the works of Dr Yuval Harari. He has a very intriguing talk on TED.

His works focus on history and rise of the Sapiens. His books are amazing to read. In videos and book he explains why we were able to be the most suitable and united species from the evolution. Definitely, his theories focus on the soft sides of it and not the rationally driven biology or chemistry or genetics one.

The core of the momentum is, we connect, we imagine, we care and we dream. The essence is We.

I found this thing working. I connected with few people today. Two at one cafe. One at the convention centre. One at the restaurant and one at my favourite tea stall.

What was common with all of them?

Well, they all were part of a dream. A dream which I am trying to sell them. A dream for which they see the togetherness and unity. A dream to which they can share their skills and motives. And this is great.

If things go smooth, I'll be having a team made out of them. Or maybe with all of them. Who knows. But I realized one thing more than just connecting. What if we can be together and share the feelings, the pains, problems, hurdles, mistakes, lacuna. What if for the sake of the us all, we can work together just not to prove who or what is the best, but to see how many alternatives can be there. What if for that once, we can work not to find answers to the common questions, but the ways to solve them. May be, then, poverty can have ten solutions. May be one atomic reactor design, or high pressure turbine can have five models to work with,

Isn't is there that the source is focused or localised with the mighty few? Those who can learn, can solve. What if the crowd can give us the list of the best workable and suitable features? Who knows?

What do I know?

We connect. And I felt that today.

Thanks India. Thanks Pune. Thanks Earth.

Love you all !

Movie of the Day

Not so bad day.

Had good tea, proper lunch. Worked for couples of hours. Full sleep had made some miracles on the mind. 

Afternoon was pleasing. No disturbances at all. I watch trailers. I watch while keeping the video on mute. Trying to understand the sequences and the story plot. It helps me a lot to know how the fractions from entire movie moulded in a single one or one and half minutes makes me wonder for more, makes me sad sometimes, excites me, rambles my imagination, twist my logic and bend perceptions, stopping to conclude a sane sense out of it.

I watched the compilation of Harry Potter's all Eight movie trailers. 

Here is the link :

Of course the movies were released couples of years back, so when I watched all of their trailers, I didn't get much of the feelings. In fact, I skipped in between to see last two movies' trailers.

But since then I passed my entire evening and dinner time thinking, why I wasn't any of the feelings I got when I had seen the trailers for the first time. Certainly, all eight parts were awesome and I have watched the entire saga for at least four times in a row.

I went to my daily run and was jogging after the dinner. I was watching others on streets. Observing them, some were buying things, some were eating, some were talking, some were jogging like me. I noticed one lady shouting her husband's name maybe. I slowed for like three four seconds to take a peep in the entire event panorama: Her husband was on the opposite track, at the end of the side. Even if she had been using the 500 W speakers, with this much crowd, the gentleman could have got some peaks only. But don't why this lady was not getting the point. She was in some strong feelings may be and so wasn't able to get the situation, traffic, distance, decibel of her own voice, hearing ability of her husband.

I came back drained. Soaked in sweat. Got a quick bath and started to work on strategy for the next phase of the start up. But entire time, that lady and the compilation were bothering me. After like an hour or so, I sat with some hot tea to figure out what the hell was my brain trying to do.

Maybe I understood one thing about the life. I have had some many feelings for the trailers. But once I watched the movies, I understood each of them in depth. I got a chance to walk through each of them, the excitement, sadness, imagination and logic; during the movie. I think this is why when I usually get to know the half of the situation, guessing the other half, I get confusion, anger, rage, sadness, chaos or fears. Knowing only the half creates these anxious behaviours. And when I'm into anyone of them, just like that lady across the road, I forget why isn't my voices reaching the targets.

Anyway, I loved this day. Got to understand one more thing about me.

Thanks and Love you all.

- - -

P.S : It's my brother's birthday today. Happy Birthday Bro !