Now I understand.
I am fucked up, stressed, tensed, flushed, in pain; not because I am compelled to be, but because I choose to be.
I am following
James.
His writings, blogs,
books, answers on
Quora inspires me a lot. A big thanks to him.
I had a project presentation, I was preparing for it since Jan., and the committee took only four minutes, five at max maybe, to say, good work but door is at right side.
WTF just happened in those five minutes.
A perfect pitch, amazing bio, relevant work profile, feasible product and you people are showing me the fucking gate to leave.
I was broke. Crushed. Shattered in pieces. It was the male ego who was stopping the rivers. How can they do it? A total scope document. Tons of hours at nights to prepare this shit and in five minutes, BOOM !!??
I was feeling like the trees of Hiroshima, who had had got the first heat waves. In few minutes, the entire region flashing green, wiped away. They might have had seen their neighbors vaporising, their colleagues', if they had any, seeds blasting... Ping Ping Ping. Such a pain to see those things dying in front of us, which have had spent the most time in last few months.
I had deep attachments to that project. It was like my Brain's child. It's son. And got flushed like a dead gold fish in minutes.
I left, came to base, and without getting bothered to slack off the shoes even, crashed to bed and went to thought sleep.
Later in evening, the manager at the nearest cafe marked my feet long face and dared to ask me if I was not feeling well. My mind was begging to punch him in the face of that fucker to dare this action, but some how I had to post a sane behaviour and they serve the best tea in area, I just gathered up drenched muscles to nod Yes.
He might have observed my conditions and didn't ask a single thing till I was at counter, clearing the tab. Escorting me to the gates, he mumbled one tiny sentence, " Sir ! I hope to see you with some new friends next time ".
No one was with me. That fucker went crazy ? I was thinking on his greetings.
I had to cook. I ate. Was watching
Justice League: Flashpoint Paradox and the damn brain bulg fused. That fucker was the genius. My today's Guru actually. He observed my rage, anger, frustration, sadness, grief. He told me to come with new friend next time, meant for these.
He pointed that I was not having a good company. These feelings are definitely not the friends what I would ever want if I could choose.
And writing this. I found Yes. This is it. I can actually choose who to friend and whom not to give a damn.
I can be sure and treat rage, anger etc, as guests. Not as stranger, nor as friends. Not as enemies, nor as demons. I want and will and can, treat them as guests. Maybe I don't like them, but what the hell, till the point comes to show them the fucking door, I can't break the sanity of guest gestures, neither I want to sound rude. Maybe one day I won't even bother if they would come, sit, fuck and go. Why would I? They're not getting me anything I like.
Anyway, so I found that, I can actually decode the status quo paradox like Flash did, for my issues by making them guests. I start making them friends, see if they're what I need to grow, if not they're guests. No more enemies.
Can you believe? No guilt, no rejections, no depression, no feeling of incompetent, no sense of being lost, confusion to be or not to be into these feelings.
Amazing person that manager is.
" You can make new friends, daily, or choose to do otherwise. But, having some good tea with new faces; sounds a nice idea to me "
What you say?
Love you all.
Good night.