The Two Face

Yes, it's me !

I am the two face.

Wait, I think we all are.

And I'm not talking about the phrase, two face. It's a villain in Batman.

The most appreciated public prosecutor, Harvey Dent.

He used to serve for city, culling all the bad ass from city. If you know, he was the one to get Rachel initially.

Story goes one and he got hurt at the end with a horrible accident, jeopardy and became The Two Face !

It's a thrilling movie. 

----

I have been engaged with some more work with start-up strategy forming, had a good day, great start with Ginger tea (even having right now), good lunch, met a friend, spicy dinner.

But am I happy today ?

Well, I am but I am not.

Had to go to market in the evening to get some vegetables and grocery.

I noticed few more things about my behaviour today. I had in mind to cook eggs or rice.

The entire time, mind was juggling in between eggs and rice. I know neither them of both, a bad choice, though; when it came to take a decision, mind was running like a complex test parameter based scenario analysis model to judge what would suit my mood.

Just for the sake of favour, I was having almost 6 to 7 reasons, why I should cook rice tonight, and 3 to 4 why to go with eggs.

Here is the catch.

All 4 in the favor of eggs were against rice and same was with other scenario. It was hard to make a decision. Both were good, and I knew, I would make the best food tonight, which in fact I did.

But why the choices?

Why the choices which say one is good over others?

Is it really necessary all the times?

Does one option is truley better than the other?

Hmmm... !!

Here is my take on this.

Neither of them are good or bad individually, they both were at par actually.

This isn't only the case with eggs or rice. I was observing my past few days and choices I had made.

I have been baffled in making a decision when I had struck the decision parameter of Value.

Eggs or Rice, value can be different for each, but not the quality.

One has made me happy sometimes, and other has done the same some other times. It was more of the choice to go with the one who had better quality in making me happy.

This was the clashing point for me.

I was trying to measure the Happiness. I am not sure whether I was or I am right in doing so, with eggs or rice, or with the conditions where I had to take the difficult choice, but now I know one more thing about me.

I don't want to measure the Happiness. It isn't a quantity. It's quality.

Chaos V. Order

or

I V. Me   



Good night !

I'm a JERK !

Gosh !

This feels Horrible.

Shocking. Never thought of. Not in dreams.

I seriously have to be the dumbest dumb person on the face of the earth.

You can even trade my car with 'Monopoly' money. I won't come to know till I go to my bank that I've been played.

God !

For last three years I was lingering around to start something on my own, thinking that it will solve my Money, Living, My nature and mind's, Life's, Insecurities', problems once and for all.

I never realized that I was actually telling the biggest lie to myself.

Look at it like this,

I was thinking to get a Daisy at the yard, hoping it will give Mangoes in Summer, Daisy at Winters, Olives when it's dry, Oranges right after Olives and at last Apples.

Year 1 : The greatest idea ever.

Year 2 : What? What? Why you laughing?

Year 3 : What you mean this isn't possible?

I know the economics. They know the Money. I have higher diploma in Finance, you don't tell me what is what.

Today : Fuck ! I am boned. No this isn't possible. It can't be done. How a single thing will give all these ! Oh God ! I'm a JERK !


To get love, plant love
To get happiness, plant satisfaction
To get life, plant consciousness,
To get you, plant self


What's you looking for ?

Shit Happens !

Yeah.

Absolutely ! Shit happens ! And very often than we think it can or should.

People get away with your money, you can broke into the business, you can get fancy degrees, you can have tons of circles to follow, you can have impenetrable plans, you can have a smooth morning, a bumpy afternoon, a rough evening and fucked up night. You can sit together watching things burn around you and flush the responsibility, suck the motivation out and play hide for couples of months, assuming it looks like a system failure and someone else must do the job on it to restart the game.

But you know what, even it will restart, there isn't any guarantee that it will get you enough. I didn't get it. Never. Umm huh, not a single time. Work for fourteen hours, earn like a pump station, blow like the Sun, save like a broker and what do I get... Shit !

Nothing. Not a single thing is making anysense. Work, Money, Food, Relations, Passion, Love, Dreams, Sex, Motives, Feelings, Emotions and not the damn Life even. Nothing is giving that ounce of peace. Happinees...!!

There's a thin line to Satisfaction and Happiness.

I am satisfied.

Not sure about Happiness.

Are you ?

Mountain Kill’em both

Chaos, Confusion, Recklessness, Rage and Change

If you would ever want to learn how to trash a perfect day with only an ounce of shit, meet me. I can tell you a thousand and one ways to make the guardians of hell envious of you for their entire life, in just a minute. Believe me I can.

A simple day, most loved intoxicating tea, superb scrambled eggs and toasted breads with butter, and well managed roommate, mindful maid. These are the ingredients you need to scrap the things.

Maid ironed and put the clothes in wrong cupboard, roommate misplaced the shoe-polish box, and I was on the top of the mountain Kill’em both!

This was the worst day of entire week. Why I was about to slit both of them open?

Maybe because I have a place for each stuff in the home. A reserved place for shoes, shocks, shoe-polish, iron board, iron, and a damn fucking large drawer for the ironed clothes. Large enough to shove both of them alive into.

I wish I had a sticker machine, I would have stickered each of every single slot and corner of the house saying what it is used for.

I don’t understand why people can’t get enough motivation, reason and courage use their own damn brain.

Evening was ruined because of the blasts in mood. Few students came showing interests to work on the star-up and make a college project out of it. Since last half an hour I am trying to recollect what I have told them during the entire conversation. Who knows? Definitely not me !

Dinner was shit. And the worst part, I made it.

I think my biggest disadvantage is I don’t understand this anger or rage. I don’t understand mismanagement or chaos or disturbance at micro level. Maybe I am not able to let the people do what they think is good for me or for themselves. Maybe I don’t know how to be compassionate for unplanned outcomes. Maybe I have a fear to this unplanned and unknown, chaotic, reckless, mismanaged events and/or life.

I got know one thing though, I have a stored form of energy which I am not able to decode, understand, interpret, handle, way out, stream around. I’ll have to find a path to direction this energy to create something useful else it will ruin me, burn me, dilute me or simple; my maid will leave and roommate will kick my ass out.