To be or Not to be

Now I understand.

I am fucked up, stressed, tensed, flushed, in pain; not because I am compelled to be, but because I choose to be.

I am following James.

His writings, blogs, books, answers on Quora inspires me a lot. A big thanks to him.

I had a project presentation, I was preparing for it since Jan., and the committee took only four minutes, five at max maybe, to say, good work but door is at right side.

WTF just happened in those five minutes.

A perfect pitch, amazing bio, relevant work profile, feasible product and you people are showing me the fucking gate to leave.

I was broke. Crushed. Shattered in pieces. It was the male ego who was stopping the rivers. How can they do it? A total scope document. Tons of hours at nights to prepare this shit and in five minutes, BOOM !!??

I was feeling like the trees of Hiroshima, who had had got the first heat waves. In few minutes, the entire region flashing green, wiped away. They might have had seen their neighbors vaporising, their colleagues', if they had any, seeds blasting... Ping Ping Ping. Such a pain to see those things dying in front of us, which have had spent the most time in last few months.

I had deep attachments to that project. It was like my Brain's child. It's son. And got flushed like a dead gold fish in minutes.

I left, came to base, and without getting bothered to slack off the shoes even, crashed to bed and went to thought sleep.

Later in evening, the manager at the nearest cafe marked my feet long face and dared to ask me if I was not feeling well. My mind was begging to punch him in the face of that fucker to dare this action, but some how I had to post a sane behaviour and they serve the best tea in area, I just gathered up drenched muscles to nod Yes.

He might have observed my conditions and didn't ask a single thing till I was at counter, clearing the tab. Escorting me to the gates, he mumbled one tiny sentence, " Sir ! I hope to see you with some new friends next time ".

No one was with me. That fucker went crazy ? I was thinking on his greetings.

I had to cook. I ate. Was watching Justice League: Flashpoint Paradox and the damn brain bulg fused. That fucker was the genius. My today's Guru actually. He observed my rage, anger, frustration, sadness, grief. He told me to come with new friend next time, meant for these.

He pointed that I was not having a good company. These feelings are definitely not the friends what I would ever want if I could choose.

And writing this. I found Yes. This is it. I can actually choose who to friend and whom not to give a damn.

I can be sure and treat rage, anger etc, as guests. Not as stranger, nor as friends. Not as enemies, nor as demons. I want and will and can, treat them as guests. Maybe I don't like them, but what the hell, till the point comes to show them the fucking door, I can't break the sanity of guest gestures, neither I want to sound rude. Maybe one day I won't even bother if they would come, sit, fuck and go. Why would I? They're not getting me anything I like.

Anyway, so I found that, I can actually decode the status quo paradox like Flash did, for my issues by making them guests. I start making them friends, see if they're what I need to grow, if not they're guests. No more enemies.

Can you believe? No guilt, no rejections, no depression, no feeling of incompetent, no sense of being lost, confusion to be or not to be into these feelings.

Amazing person that manager is.

" You can make new friends, daily, or choose to do otherwise. But, having some good tea with new faces; sounds a nice idea to me "

What you say?

Love you all.

Good night.

People Connect

Yes they do.

They just need some reasons for it. At a cafe, bar, restaurant, community programs, fairs, work, meetings, movies. Everywhere.

I have been following the works of Dr Yuval Harari. He has a very intriguing talk on TED.

His works focus on history and rise of the Sapiens. His books are amazing to read. In videos and book he explains why we were able to be the most suitable and united species from the evolution. Definitely, his theories focus on the soft sides of it and not the rationally driven biology or chemistry or genetics one.

The core of the momentum is, we connect, we imagine, we care and we dream. The essence is We.

I found this thing working. I connected with few people today. Two at one cafe. One at the convention centre. One at the restaurant and one at my favourite tea stall.

What was common with all of them?

Well, they all were part of a dream. A dream which I am trying to sell them. A dream for which they see the togetherness and unity. A dream to which they can share their skills and motives. And this is great.

If things go smooth, I'll be having a team made out of them. Or maybe with all of them. Who knows. But I realized one thing more than just connecting. What if we can be together and share the feelings, the pains, problems, hurdles, mistakes, lacuna. What if for the sake of the us all, we can work together just not to prove who or what is the best, but to see how many alternatives can be there. What if for that once, we can work not to find answers to the common questions, but the ways to solve them. May be, then, poverty can have ten solutions. May be one atomic reactor design, or high pressure turbine can have five models to work with,

Isn't is there that the source is focused or localised with the mighty few? Those who can learn, can solve. What if the crowd can give us the list of the best workable and suitable features? Who knows?

What do I know?

We connect. And I felt that today.

Thanks India. Thanks Pune. Thanks Earth.

Love you all !

Last day of July !

Today, I made a new discovery about the self. I am a combination of the biggest jerk ever walked on the face of the earth and the smartest ass ever will round the earth. Jerk was last night to be dull, and ass was today whole day, finding only I had the key to make myself happy or dull.

Cool. I am so excited to find this today.

Morning, till the mid-afternoon, was covered up with the interaction session at NCL with Villgro, these people seriously do some social work. They fund, mentor, develop and build the social start-ups here. I had a bouncy ride in the session though; bit confused, bit tired, bit excited, bit curious and at last exhausted. The reason is the business model canvas part of the session. It is a huge document to prepare before or after starting the business. Actually we are doing it before.

I had fun in between the session, people sharing some amazing ideas, funny ways to do things, market ideas and what not. The gentleman next to me was a founder of the company who designs the modular bio-gas plants for the food industries. He had an eighteen month blockage just to figure out the unit economics parameter to scale up his business. When you’ve left the job and your business is the only source of income, this really is a blockage to your entire life, but anyhow they fought and sold at breakeven to get daily life money. Frankly speaking, you’re doomed, I remember the year of 2011-12, we made huge losses with the first company, and I was barely having money to get some food for one time in a day. It was a horrible period of life. Whatever I am doing today to earn some bucks, is maybe out of that period’s fear. I accept, I don’t want to face it again, as far as possible. Well, they say in positive psychology, we can use the fears and pressures to actually pump the motivation. Watch Shawn sometime, he is also a well-known psychologist, but his TED talk on the link is maybe the funniest talk I have ever seen.

Anyway, I saw few known faces too. Seeing some known people actually helps me to feel secure, feel surrounded with faith and trust, and feel more supported. Don’t know exactly but perhaps the interdependency pillar of the society translates in these feeling.

We parted around three in the afternoon, I came running home and slept for an hour. Woke up made tea, started where I left last night, read Nicolas’s revert, opened up the work papers I carried to the session and started writing down the needed data, learnings and since then was trying to develop new objectives to discuss with team tomorrow. Finished up at ten, quickly made some curry soup to eat and then was surfing through job portals to apply to more things.

So, yes I had an okay to better day today. Was downloading Maz Jobrani’s tour videos to watch today. I have had it in mind since I woke up in the morning that I’ll laugh, as much as I can, so was finding the slopes in the session, during the work and even during the cooking to search the brain for all the funniest things I had gone through. This seems working. I am in a much better and happier stance than last night. Thanks to internet and my memory I suppose.

Oh, one more thing, I was noting down the words that had been used today during the whole session. Some of the most repeated ones are,

SO, YOU KNOW, WE, SUPPORT, WE HAVE, RURAL, SOCIAL, YOU, START-UP, COULD BE, MAYBE, CUSTOMERS, DECISION MAKERS

I read on Norton Sociology blog that this how we can analyse the group’s think and attention over the entire session. I guess pretty much all were focussing to be decisive using the word SO almost five hundred times. Hmm, maybe the session was on improving the decisions we make or will be making on the business.

I was listening to OSHO in the afternoon. But I’ll start writing these stuffs on spirituality bit later, once I get enough understanding and listeners to hear these stuffs.

Maybe I’ll open up more, writing the inner of mind. Later!

It is time to say good night, and start rolling some comedy stuff.

SO, Good night people, Good night Journal, Love you all and thank you all. Good bye July 2015.